Depth

The bubbles try their best to wash away the dust and heat of the city. She sits soaking in the silence and nursing the bruises of the multitudes of the city. The smell of her mountain attempts to soothe her soul.

Noises, sane voices and the words left unsaid, all fight for space in her head.

Is she so rooted that it has begun to inhibit her ability to spread her arms wide?
Is she capable of taking up more, burning brighter? For, she's realized that burning is what makes her come alive.
Is she ready to harness the energies and be a conduit to allow much happen through her?

She knows not. Yet, she must move. For the mountain cannot.

A solitary tear

My sorrow is summed up in a solitary tear that sits fat and wet in the corner of my eye.

O tear, I want a flood to follow, but you sit alone.
I want the sun to caress you, but the clouds refuse to move.

O tear, you hold so much pain in so little.
I want you to flow down my cheek, but no one pushes you.

O tear, stop bringing up pictures of all the love I had.
I want you to be kissed away, but the fleeting moment wont stop.

O tear, you bring hope that I will wake up strong tomorrow.
I want you to make my heart soft again, but all you do is glaze it.

O tear, as you finally flow down, I taste you.
Your sweet and your gone.

Trust

Dear Future Me,

Trust is such a fragile thing. It exists in your mind and yours alone. And yet, you project that trust onto another human and expect much from the journey.

Why must a perception that exists in you, be rewarded? No one is obliged to reciprocate it.

Why must you feel heartache based on another human's actions? No one asked you to trust them. You chose to.

Why must the trust you have built, become the basis of how you deal with people? They have not changed. Your expectations have.

You trust in people, in actions, in what you feel, because it is what allows you to move forward into the unknown each day. And that is an excellent way of life. Hold onto that, but never forget that the trust is yours, not theirs.

Love,
Today's Me

(A tough week has just passed with much heartache. What I'm definitely proud of though, was my ability to stay neutral and deal with people calmly. Self reliance is the best way forward.)

Happiness treats you fine?

I miss you.

Days turn into years... and yet I remember the contours of your face.

I whisk away a tear... the very tear I promised never to shed for you.

I miss you.

I work to forget the pain... and sometimes I feel so overwhelmed... will closure ever be mine?

You think of me often... I feel the vibe in my bones.

And,  I miss you.

Has happiness treated you fine? What a strange question it is.

Pure love never fades... it just changes shape.

Our paths will never cross I think... may happiness treat you fine.

I miss you. 

An end of an era

Grandmum or Ma as we called her, is no more. She was 90. She was a tiny woman only in stature, in everything else, she was larger than life.

In her last week, Ma managed to recreate the atmosphere of a large joint family in her house again. Family from all over made their way to Ooty to meet her one last time. And when I say family, it means six sons, two daughters, their spouses, their children, the children's children, the children's in laws, grandmum's co sisters and her family, grandmum's brothers and their families... and their in laws... and then friends and their families... you get the gist.

Yeah, there were on an average at least 50 people being fed in her house in her last week. Why I write this is to showcase how rich her life and heritage is, and how she linked so many people.

Now while she underwent 'Santara', a kind of death that is believed to elevate her soul to sainthood... I kept thinking about how full of life and self love she was.

She grew up in a family of agriculturists,  got married young, moved across the country and bore eight children, and hosted many prolific guests, ran a house with military precision, cooked like a five star chef and looked perfectly presentable always. And best of all, was an extravagant woman.

She wasn't a very religious woman... and yet in her death was elevated to sainthood... why? Because she was the embodiment of a certain truth that many younger women have forgotten. While you fulfil the demands of the many roles that society demands of you, love yourself first. Follow that passion, and pursue what you want stubbornly. If someone helps you along,  great, if they don't, find a way to do it yourself.

She lived a long life and left her unforgettable truth unto us.

I had the honour of lifting Ma's palki in her final journey. She often introduced me to guests as a son of the house... which was an extremely motivating thought for me, and why it meant a lot to me to carry her on her final journey.

If I could carry half your strength, discipline,  and self love with me, dear Ma, I will be much better for it. We will miss you Ma but I carry your life lessons close.

Resonance

When I opened my mind to you, I welcomed you in... you walked in and slowly took my heart away... and when you finally chose to resonate with me... you sealed a part of me forever. 

Far or near, a voice or silence, texting or ghosting... it matters not now.

What you took from my soul is yours for good... and you know that as much as I do.

I resonate to that connection. The only way peace may someday completely be mine, is when I resonate completely and yet feel light, not feel my heart tightening.

Many doors were slammed closed... but the light shines through cracks. 

That light shines because you still resonate... it's not just me. It is so not just me... it's you too.

A letter to a dancer.

Yesterday I witnessed a rare spiritual event. Resplendent in red and green, with her naturally beautiful face enhanced by kohl, in the traditional bharatnatyam attire, Swathi radiated beauty.

I have seen this woman go through different phases in her life. Her multiple roles as a daughter in law, wife, mother, sister and a businesswoman... she has always displayed a unique combination of grace and strength. But yesterday, as I watched her perform on stage, I witnessed a woman come alive with the essence of her soul. "Jab paav thirakne lage, tho duniya dal gayi". As her feet started to move to the rhythm, the rest of the world simply faded away.

Dancing to Mahaganapathim, a way of welcoming the gods, by invoking the blessings of Lord Ganesha, and then dancing her tribute to Balagopal... and then... she radiated pure strength as the Rowdra Rup of Shiva.

Now Shiva has always been a source of strength for me, and the beautiful woman displaying the avatars of Shiva,  brought tears to my eyes.

Swathi, no matter what twists and turns life brings to you, dance. Dance like only you can. Dance with your entire being.

Much love.

Settled

Don't you want to be settled? I am asked this often.

What is 'settled'?

Here's what I think it is. It's that point in life when one's life path is fixed, rather, believed to be fixed and has crossed a point of no return.

What does that mean practically? For Indians, it's invariably marriage and building a family. Is marriage a point of no return? 10 years ago, I would have answered yes, for people actually stood by their marriages, in the strangest circumstances. This has changed though, in the recent years, and marriage is no longer viewed with finality as it used to be.

So then, what is 'settled'?

Could it be a steady income, a pursuit of a good career? Again I'm not so sure. Today, more so than the yesteryears, we have the freedom of starting afresh, or floating from one pursuit to the next.

Again,  what is 'settled'?

Could it be the pursuit of a repetitive routine, one that balances duty and expectations, however mundane it is? Maybe. Maybe not.

Or could 'settled' simply be that realisation one has of who she is, who she's going to be for the rest of her life? Could it simply be the realisation of her identity and her powers?

I think 'settled' is indeed that simple.
For, once you have found your identity, there indeed is no turning back.