The Phoenix

They say there's nothing more beautiful than a phoenix rising from the ashes.

Is it beautiful in itself... or is it beautiful because it has risen in a circumstance of no hope?

Rising back once you are broken, gives birth to a different version of you. Is it a beautiful version? Rarely. For you rise with your scars and anger and love and determination.

I have risen...

I have stopped being circumspect. I'm now very direct.

I have stopped tolerating what I perceive as wrong. I now no longer give it leeway.

I have stopped holding unquestioning love for people. I now welcome them in, but refuse to allow them power over my life.

I no longer wait for opinions. I now listen to my inner voice. Period.

I no longer let my emotions run free. I now temper them down.

Now, is the phoenix that has risen beautiful? Yes, but not in the conventional sense.

In the journey ahead, dear reader, I'm bound to love people who see the phoenix... and I'm bound to hurt people who see the ashes.

For a change has happened, but how do I explain it to people who care for me?

Doorsteps

I sit on the rough steps leading to the place I call home... a place that is legally mine. I sit under a clear night sky, breathing in the many scents that a light breeze blows towards me.

I sit and I think of the many people I love... I dream of the many things I love, the passion I feel, this intense energy that I need to give to the world.

Music plays in my ears... I listen to the many beats and dance inside. I am sometimes a woman of total abandon.

I sit here and shed a tear or two for what I've lost and will never touch again.

I sit here and let the breeze kiss me gently and make me believe in my potential.

Much water has flowed... and all through the one steady truth has been this : I have to give of my energies to nurture this place.

I have only one prayer... o sky, keep me whole and keep me complete enough to nurture it all.

Hold Me

When the multiple energies of the day ends...
Then the quiet loneliness sets in.

It's not exactly sad... it's a mix of emotions... a sense of peace, a few tears, a little worry, a little gap in the heart.

And the imprint you left on my soul surfaces every now and then... these days it doesn't paralyse me so completely... maybe my soul is learning to free itself from your hold.

A Voice

"There is a voice that doesn't use words. Listen. "

I have been hearing that voice for a long time now. I only began to listen to it of late. It is a voice of love. It is a voice of peace, of oneness.

It speaks to me of the answers I have been seeking. It tells me I am needed where I am, to accomplish a certain task through my life's work.

The reason I'm afraid to listen to this voice, is that it tears apart my life as I know it. Is the butterfly ready to leave the cocoon?

It tells me I need to let go of all that I love. And I realise... to hold on is not love, to let be, is.

Yet I struggle to let you go, my love. I am but, a mere human. I feel you every second in my entire being. I always will.

It tells me to clean my heart, so completely... so that the universe may fill it gently with pure love.

I listen to you... and I begin to clean my heart...

Today, I let all the pain you have caused me into the waters that flow around me.

Today, I let every single tear that I have shed for you fall onto the roots of lilies. Take them, o strong plants... and turn them into the blessing he needs.

Today, I let all the anxiety I have felt and blow it into the air around me. Take it with you, o wind, and carry it to the fire gods.

Today, I let the rejection I have felt repeatedly and give it to the red soil of my home. Every drop of my blood draws strength from this soil. O earth, absorb this pain, so I may serve you again.

Today, I forgive you for not being able to accept what I, in my ego, wanted to give to you. Who am I to give anything?  Into nothingness... I release my ego.

And so... I empty myself... scars remain... may pure love heal them... may I once again be given the chance to serve.

O Voice... I can actually see you smile.

A 'bandhan'

Dear Brother-of-mine,

When you left, you took a piece of us with you.
I demand of the universe that you return that to us.

When you left, you taught us lessons in abiding love and compassion.
I demand that I am allowed one last time to practice that lesson on you.

When you left, you bound disagreeable people in a unique agreeable bond.
I demand that I am allowed to choose quarrels over losing you.

This day comes every year, and I shall cherish my bonds year after year.
And yet, my heart yearns for the chance to cherish that one bond.

Jyothi 

Mountain girl

To a mountain girl, give her not the glamour and glitz, give her her mountains.

To a mountain girl, give her not the freedom of anonymity, give her the identity that mirrors her mountain.

To a mountain girl, give her not the bright and the loud, give her the forest's silence.

To a mountain girl, give her not flashes of gold and diamonds, give her her native plants.

To a mountain girl, give her not perfumes or conditioned breath, give her the smell of rain on her mountains red soil.

To a mountain girl, woo her not with your tall tales, seduce her in silence, with strength of character.

To a mountain girl, ask not of what she can give to you, understand what she can give to the world.

To a mountain girl, question not her need to travel beyond, simply know that she can only return to her mountain.

Move On

A single word has triggered a storm today.

Many a time, a word, a casual reference opens the floodgates... but I successfully keep it shut. For one must move on. What exactly does 'move on' mean anyway?

Does it mean shutting down everything you feel and building another life on that very brick?

Does it mean hiding every single tear, for one has duties everyday that one must complete?

Does it mean swiping right and left in pursuit of the next relationship? And then looking at perfectly good profiles and not feeling a single spark.

Does it mean believing that all that I have felt, all that I have experienced with you, however virtual,  meant nothing? Practicality shall win?

Does it mean living a full life, a busy one with continued pursuit of intelligence, wealth and meaning... and yet, when the day ends attempting to fill that void?

If the answer is yes, then I have definitely 'moved on'.

Soul talk

People are strange beings! That dull ache in my body and soul prompts me to write today. No no, don't be sad... it's the kind of pain that gives birth to beauty and strength.

When you think you know someone, but you suddenly realise you know them not one bit... there you will find the strength to change how you look at things.

When you stare at the ceiling when you can't fall asleep, then will you find the strength to dream what you thought impossible.

When you wait repeatedly for any sign of being let in, and realise that's just causing damage to your soul, you will find the strength to respect the purpose of your life.

It is in the dark moments when you cannot find a way forward, that you must lean on yourself. Find the strength to build again.

For,  you,  my dearest, are a woman.