On ode to a heart break

Death is an experience that has broken me in a way that I never imagined any force could.

Varun, my brother, passed away, on the 29th of October, 2012. I miss him deeply. He dropped, shuddered and died, right in front of me. The noise of the life-force leaving the physical body,echoes in my head. The whole sequence of  events leading to his death and confirmation of his death by medical authorities, bringing his body home, telling his mother what happened, replays endlessly like a stuck record in my head.

A cardiac arrest at 27 years of age is so stunning, it has shaken many dearly-held beliefs. Why did he die? We are left guessing with no closure. Maybe, it was just meant to be.

I feel pain and sorrow with an intensity that I cannot express. A stone is but lodged in my throat, the grief doesn't seem to lessen with time. It is only that you get distracted by the many matters of daily life that demand your attention incessantly. I am simply tired of pretending to be able to hold myself and life together. In truth, I feel like a mess. I want to give up on everything, I have no courage left, everything looks bleak. I am just not strong enough. I want to just sit in a corner and bawl.

And then again, I remember the connection I felt with him a few hours after he died. It must've been around two-thirty in the night, I was in a state of stupor born of grief and disbelief. I suddenly felt a connection with him, his voice saying " I knew, Jo. You have to let me go in peace. I love you, Jo. Take care of mummy. " The sceptic in me demands a logical explanation, there is none. The believer in me holds onto those words for solace.

And so, today, the believer in me promises you, Bittu. I will fulfill those dreams that we dared to envision together. It is painful now, but I know it will bring peace to you and to me, as I carry forth those dreams.

Your mother will be taken care of, in every way that I can help, I will. You know I love her, just as you do.

I draw happiness from the fact that you were not alone in your last moments. I hope you find a happy and safe place wherever you have gone. I love you, I always have. My eyes fill up, my throat clogs, everytime I think of you. I want to let you go without crying, but I am just not strong enough. I cry for myself, I feel all alone. You were a sibling I will always treasure in the deepest pockets of my heart. I have no choice now but to hold you in my heart and continue with my life. It is a raw deal, and the only one I have.

And so, I must move on, I must work harder, I must fulfill that dream. I only pray for courage to do it.

I'll do my crying in the rain!

I'll do my crying in the rain!

I'm tired of pretending to be strong. All I want to do is lean my head on your shoulder and sob my breaking heart out and ask you why?

Bottling it all in is taking its toll, I no longer have the strength to put up with it.

Why was I stupid enough to let myself slip, I ask myself? But no, what I felt, was pure, undemanding, not to any purpose, it just exists, it always will. Today I cry, my heart is wrenched, wrung out and dry, but I know I'll heal, be strong again, and not wait, stop reading signs, and move on with a new energy, a new sense of freedom that I believe you have given me.

The question of something more has held me captive for years. No more. It is abundantly clear where I stand. I regret not what I feel, for it is pure, but I cry, for a part of me needed acknowledgement. But I will grow up and away from it. It is time I moved on.

Accepting what I feel, I shall not attempt to forget, but let time take its healing turn on my heart, beaten and bruised, but nevertheless, acknowledging that it was a part of growing up.

I chose non traditional paths, I have a long way to go. I believe that all that I have been holding back in hope of something which I now realize I may never have, I shall give with renewed energy to the challenge of life!

And in the meantime, I'll do my crying in the rain!